How do you handle a break up? - Page 2

punkin · 09-06-2006, 10:41 PM

have you turned your phone off and put is somewhere out of reach?

Why not use this time to get to know yourself better - do what she is doing - do some soul searching, try out things you've not done before, make new friends etc

I wouldn't have gotten into metal weapons fighting if I'd not gone and tried something new when broken up with somebody, the metal weapons fighting lead me to my husband. I'm not saying that you'll meet somebody new, but you will get some new experiences under your belt, things that may just broaden you as a person and make you more interesting to your x-gf.

Who says going out and shagging for the hell of it doesn't work to get your mind off things (if you do do this then use a condom - you don't want to go back to your gf with an unwanted present for her), why do I say that? Well sometimes your hand is not enough ;)

xfalconz · 09-06-2006, 10:45 PM

Once you have come out the other end of a break up with a girl you loved and survived its easy to give advice like, if its meant to be it will, let her go, Theres more fish in the sea and all that bull.
But when youre going through the break up especially the initial shock and if its unexpected its f---kin hard to deal with and none of that advice makes it better.
If you love her and theres still a chance and shes not seeing someone else behind your back then do what you can to get her back even if you lose a bit of dignity in the process, sometimes nothing else matters, love and rejection are two of the most powerful emotions there are.
And if it doesnt work and its all over theres always drugs and alcohol to help you recover!!

gtfpv · 09-06-2006, 10:53 PM

i agree with post 14 . mate when you grow up . and trust me you need to be 30 before you do . trust me it's true . i'm 37 and people tried to tell me this when i was 24 and they are right . anyhow when you do you will realise it is better for someone to cut you loose . it's honest and you should be thankful. it hurts i know but if my wife were to split with me now . i would wish her the best . i love her dearly and would for the rest of her life . i'd die for her . but i would wish her well and look forward to new horisons, i wouldnt be devastated . 10 years ago i'd of felt like killing myself if this happened and couldnt stand the thought of her with someone else . mate really . take it easy . be an optimist . she has done you a favour . and i gaurantee theres a 3rd party involved . there always is . but that's ok . it's cool . your young its just another day . trust me when you turn 30 and onwards this is how you will see life. dont dwell on her ., it is now over . look to brighter horisons . if you get over it you'll be fine . you may even get back together one day . but who cares enjoy the ride .
theres an old saying . if you love something . let it go if it comes back it's yours . if it doesnt it never was . so true.

09-06-2006, 10:55 PM

one thing to be wary of though is , if you then go an chase and get knocked back, your ego will be hurt and it can make things worst...

Its a personal call for everybody... and I am not saying you should not do this. Just be aware that if things go pear shaped, you may/may not feel worst.

also, dude, your only 22, love is love for sure... but seriously mate, 22 is young, does not help i know, but ask any old timer, and they will say the same thing..

as for the is plenty of fish in the sea, what happens if you only have a little hook

ED turbo (mickmalta) · 09-06-2006, 10:56 PM

I believe in making the girl come to you if she made the decision to have a break.

By letting her know that you are devistated, it gives her a sense of control and that she can make you come and go as she pleases.

She broke it off, so ignore her, dont show her any emotion (sounds harsh but it works!!) and just act casual in your dealings with her.

She will be asking whats the matter and want to know how u feel...... then you are in the better position.

Hope this helps.

Bucket · 09-06-2006, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xfalconz

.
And if it doesnt work and its all over theres always drugs and alcohol to help you recover!!

Thats when you lose all your dignity ;)
I'm just going to wait it out for the moment i think...If i can get some sort of answer, then i'll know where to go. I just hope she can make up her mind. I feel like she's my soul mate, we had this uncanny connection...

#Russ#Es# · 09-06-2006, 11:11 PM

Bucket - just know that whilst everyones circumstances are different, we all (mostly) experience this. I'm actually in the same boat as you (sort of).

I've just parted ways with a very close (female) friend...a friend that befriended me after I've moved from country NSW to Sydney (and not knowing many people)...feels like part of you is missing...

Funny how a woman can turn you towards the alcohol...I'm not normally one to drink, but I'm now on my 6th drink (good 'ol vodka).

Thanks for all the great advice people's...

gtfpv · 09-06-2006, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucket

Thats when you lose all your dignity ;)
I'm just going to wait it out for the moment i think...If i can get some sort of answer, then i'll know where to go. I just hope she can make up her mind. I feel like she's my soul mate, we had this uncanny connection...

MATE . get the hint , she has already made up her mind and is most likely out having fun. get real mate and listen to reality . listen to others they have been through it and are telling it like it is. forget her . wish her well and mean it it is the best thing you can do . if you love her you want her to be happy . you go and be happy.

xfalconz · 09-06-2006, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucket

Thats when you lose all your dignity ;)
I'm just going to wait it out for the moment i think...If i can get some sort of answer, then i'll know where to go. I just hope she can make up her mind. I feel like she's my soul mate, we had this uncanny connection...

Yeah sorry about that ive been there and it doesnt help. There are girls you break up with and it cuts you but you get over it. Once in a while if your lucky you find someone who you have a certain connection with, impossible to describe but you know when it happens and its like no other feeling but if you lose her the loss feels terrible.
I hope you can work it out and it has a good ending for you, man if shes your soulmate you gotta fight for her but its a fine line between showing your feelings to her and begging!
Like i said sacrifice a bit of dignity if need be but dont lose it all or she'll lose all respect for you then its definitly all over.

gtfpv · 09-06-2006, 11:21 PM

oh and by the way what your feeling is not ultimate love , like you think it is , it is infatuation . something that comes before love and lasts about 3 years, it is normal and it hurts. trust me i know what i'm saying . i'll council you all night if you wish !!! i've been through counselling and trust me its easy . its a common set of rules .

xfalconz · 09-06-2006, 11:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gtfpv

oh and by the way what your feeling is not ultimate love , like you think it is , it is infatuation . something that comes before love and lasts about 3 years, it is normal and it hurts. trust me i know what i'm saying . i'll council you all night if you wish !!! i've been through counselling and trust me its easy . its a common set of rules .

Do honestly believe you have to over 30 to be grown up to deal with relashionships and that the the first 3 years are infatuation.
I think that Bucket is well old enough to know where its at and even if its infatuation or love or whatever, if it makes you happy thats all that matters.
Its hard to deal with rejection by someone you are close to no matter if its love or not.

LUXO_8 · 09-06-2006, 11:38 PM

mate, i know what your feeling. my ex screwed with my head and i let it get to me. really stuffed around with my confidence....
if my experience is any kind of help. dont let it get to you.... it'll only stuff you up later on... i have trouble meeting new people because i keep thinking of what happened in the past and i dont wanna face that again........ i know deep down that it wont but its always just there ya know....

anyways, its damn hard but you just have to get back out there

gtfpv · 09-06-2006, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xfalconz

Do honestly believe you have to over 30 to be grown up to deal with relashionships and that the the first 3 years are infatuation.
I think that Bucket is well old enough to know where its at and even if its infatuation or love or whatever, if it makes you happy thats all that matters.
Its hard to deal with rejection by someone you are close to no matter if its love or not.

yes i do . people told me 28 . for me it was 30, after my 1st child was born . it's when i didn't care about what other people thought anymore. i started to make my own mind up , and not worry about pleasing others who influenced me . like family , bosses, churches, inlaws,etc etc. do athers agree . let us know.

bwhinnen · 09-06-2006, 11:43 PM

Let her go. At this stage in your life you don't need the angst. I was 19 when it happened to me, took me another 3 years to get over it fully and then I tumbled into a relationship I thought was it, after 2 - 3 years of engagement (and a cancelled wedding) it ended in a similar manner, with much less pining this time. I ended up getting back with the lass from the first relationship not long after that, as much as I still felt for her it was a mistake, but it helped to confirm that fact.

But that initial 3 years was hell, I drank, I spent money (mostly on cars and alcohol), I attended Uni basically found as much to do as possible, but I stayed away from the girls (mostly, there were a couple of flings). During those 3 years the first 12 months was spent doing the ring her, obssess about her, annoy the crap out of her, it didn't work, and her best friend gave me the best advice... Her best friend told me she still loved me, but didn't want to be with me, the best thing I could do was to leave her be and get on with my life, and that was from the best friends point of view not my ex's. I wish I had of taken that advice when she first told me, would have saved some heartache.

If she wants you back she will come looking for you, it may not happen this week, next week, or even in the next year. BUT, don't make the mistake of waiting for her if someone comes along that is tantalizing, enthralling and on your wave length!

It is tough, and believe me there are a heap of people out there that understand that, but you've got to get on with things. Be busy, take up a new hobby, do something you've always wanted to do, hassle your mates more, I'm sure they'll appreciate your company, just don't dwell on her, what she is doing, or what could have been.

I hope things work out for you and you don't waste as much time as I did, but in the end it's all life experience and makes us what we are today. I wouldn't trade it in and do it again as I may not have ended up with my wife and son today.

Brett

Outbackjack · 09-06-2006, 11:45 PM

Geeez dude, you couldnt have got better advice fron the Australian womens weekly..... Seems every guy here reckons that you should just move on. And that is probably good advise. It would be interesting to hear from someone who's partner need to do some soul searching, and then they got back together again and are living happliy ever after.

Go out and get laid, you know what they say about sex..... sex is like pizza, even when its bad, its still pretty good.

Van D · 09-06-2006, 11:46 PM

Well, you seem to be kinda young (don't know to be honest though, lol) but from been 18 my self, i've seen that same sort of thing happen a lot, heck, almost happened to me.

Usually it's the other way i've found, with guys who love their girls, but would hate to miss out on things that their single mates are doing before they settle down for long term.

I know most people say it's over when lines like that are spoken, but from experience (mates going through it), if you both love each other, it can happen. Some people just need to explore a bit (especially when young/first relationships) and make sure what they're doing is right before they settle down as they wouldn't want to hurt their partners later on.

For now, keep away, give eachother space. Look into yourself and see if she is what you really want as well. And if it's meant to be, then it will happen later on (perhaps muuuuch later). If it's not, be comforted by the thought that you wouldn't of been hurt more deeply later in your life and that there will be someone else out there for you.

Sorry if that sounds jumbled/cut short in places.. I'm really tired. lol. But I do like giving /trying to give advice and hope I helped.

xfalconz · 09-06-2006, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gtfpv

yes i do . people told me 28 . for me it was 30, after my 1st child was born . it's when i didn't care about what other people thought anymore. i started to make my own mind up , and not worry about pleasing others who influenced me . like family , bosses, churches, inlaws,etc etc. do athers agree . let us know.

Fair enough, i dont have kids but i can understand how that changed your outlook on life.

XRchic · 10-06-2006, 12:14 AM

Sorry to hear mate. It takes time, sometimes a long time but you will get over it. Often it feels like you never will, right now.

I was in a relationship for 7 years or so with my ex and had two kids with him. We were building a house, and had just had our second kid. He announced he was leaving on our daughter's 4th birthday and just left. My daughter was a mess, my son was only 8 months old and I was studying full time, with 3 years of uni to go in a 5 year degree.

That year, I had to get a full time job to support the kids, pay rent etc (he didnt pay anything, he never came back) and was still studying full time. I got really sick that year with pneumonia and glandular fever, lost half my body weight (was pretty big) and was really run down.

The worst thing was that I missed him so much. He left me for someone else, without any warning at all. A stripper at the club he ran. That lasted two weeks but he moved on to various other girls. It broke my heart and I dont think I got over him for years. It just took a lot of time of not seeing him, having no contact with him and keeping busy with life and good mates.

I did get over him although it felt like I was never going to.

Now, my daughter is 12 years old, my son is nearly 9 and they have been going to his place on weekends for 2 years now (he came back and fought me in court to get weekend access and I lost). They dont really trust him but tolerate him.

The kids are doing really well though, I have found someone 1000000 times better than him who is the most unbelievable person (Cobra) and who is better to my kids than their own father. He is so kind, unselfish and just a brilliant person. We have just bought a house together and have an 8 week old son.

I think that I was somehow supposed to go through that with my ex, miss him so badly and take so long to get over him, in order to appreciate my current partner so much. I will never take him for granted because of what I lost before.

If I could go back in time, but know my future, I would gladly go through it all again to be where I am now.

The point is that you can get through it, but just dont expect to get over her overnight mate. And the BEST thing is to TRY and forget about her, dont have contact with her and plan for your future. Try and think that it all happened for a reason, so you could meet the one you are SUPPOSED to be with and that all this was just preparation.

Well, it worked for me, eventually.

Take care mate.

Jac

Bucket · 10-06-2006, 12:47 AM

Thanks for all the Advice everyone. I know i have to move on, but its been one day...we're still talking..im just not ready to let go...not just yet...i just need some answers and ill know which way to move on...and how to feel..even then, it will take me a while to move on, i dont want to find someone to fill the void, and sex is just a bandaid on a leaking tyre. I'm going to try and think this weekend. Might drop a few brewskies down tomorrow night with the boys.

KEV EB XR8 · 10-06-2006, 07:58 AM

Head shrink im not, but having been in many relationships before being married, and having that horrible sence of self doubt and lonliness, it rips you apart. dont blame youself for a relationship not going the distance, as it is better to part ways now if there is uncertanty in the relationship rather than down the track with children or shared assets.

Having said that the above post mentioned if there were any people that divided then reunited after time out.

Met my wife of 18 years now when she had just turned 16, 7 years my junior, coming out of a 4 year relationship, rebound you might say, but now i call it good luck, after 4 months i felt ashamed of dating her as i felt my hobbies ETC were affecting her teen years as such as i had already done all those things. so drifted it to try and separate,
That was then, and she TOLD me we were to be married. dominate she is? yes, but that was the only thing that my pride had never let me experience in a relationship before.........

You worry about taking a loan for 5 years for a car ?
Relationships are for life mostly- find the right girl........

Bucket · 10-06-2006, 04:02 PM

Well, after speaking to her on the phone for an hour, i know where i stand.
We had a very deep hear to heart. We're going to take a break for the next 6 months, neither of us are going to see anyone, just have some time for ourselves to reflect and then we'll come back at the end of the year and see how things are.
Theres been plenty of great advice given on this post, I thank each and everyone of you for your input. It really means a lot to me.

punkin · 10-06-2006, 04:15 PM

at least you've spoken to her, yes I advised not to ring her (mainly coz when you've had a few you usually beg and that is pathetic - yes this is from experience). I'm glad you were able to have a mature conversation with her and work out where things stood.

I still think you need to go out and try new things, investigate some new hobbies, make some new friends, reconnect with old ones that you've not spent as much time with recently (it is true, you do seem to drift away from some people when you're in a relationship). Use this break to find out about you. In relationships you seem to start to lose yourself, having the time out will help you find yourself again.

I was in a long distance relationship and only able to see each other once a month or so, it gave me a chance to do things I wanted to do, try things etc. It also gave the both of us something to talk about when we did see each other - the things we'd got upto and then deciding that some of those things we'd like to try together as a couple.

Good luck with it all!!!!!!!

Outbackjack · 10-06-2006, 04:32 PM

Now is the time to book your trip to Thailand......

Lavish yourself in LBFM's. You'll be amazed how quickly 6 months wil pass.

:1syellow1

Good luck bucket. ALOT will change over 6 months.

cedric · 10-06-2006, 04:45 PM

LBFM's outbackjack your a shocker!!!!!!

347_XR8 · 10-06-2006, 04:55 PM

I was with a chick and she dumped me out of the blue. Really cut me up inside and no matter what people said it didn't help. Just had to keep myself busy. Now i've met a girl who is the complete opposite and couldn't be happier!

Bucket · 10-06-2006, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outbackjack

Now is the time to book your trip to Thailand......

Lavish yourself in LBFM's. You'll be amazed how quickly 6 months wil pass.

:1syellow1

Good luck bucket. ALOT will change over 6 months.

LBFM's? (sorry if i sound naieve) :ticking:

xfalconz · 10-06-2006, 09:50 PM

So how do feel about the 6 month break?

**Papa Smurf** · 10-06-2006, 10:45 PM

Bucket. You sound like a fair sort of bloke. Give it a little thought and I mean not passing type? She wants to move on and she can't tell you so. :( Shame on her.

Like the other guys here have said, continue on with YOUR life? Don't forget her as she has been a part of the adventure of life for you. But don't dwell on what MIGHT have been? Get a few mates, go out for a drive to a beach, take a lunch a few Beers and sit with them, have a look around and just have a good time.

Outbackjack · 10-06-2006, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucket

LBFM's? (sorry if i sound naieve) :ticking:

I'll PM ya. I will probably get into trouble if I decode here.

:

wodahs · 10-06-2006, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *rayman*

must be the time of year for it dude... friend got dumped this week also.. taking him out for celebration drinks tonight...

is the best thing that could happen, look back in a year and see all the toys you have now bought (for you) and couldnt afford before.

im in perth an up for drinks so if ya want ill do the same as rayman :baby bott